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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Rant & Review: "I Don't Know How She Does It"



I went by Redbox last night for a movie to pass the time during our quiet Saturday night at home.  Most everything was checked out, so I ended up with "I Don't Know How She Does It" by default.  I now believe that Sarah Jessica Parker is my doppelganger, only thinner and quirkier.
 

The movie deals with the tough decisions (and the judgment) faced by a working mother.  The reviews were terrible but I would give it a 3 of 4.  Perhaps I relate to it a little better than many of the reviewers (after all, do movie reviewers actually have to live the life of working all day, then coming home to work all night while whipping up something for the school bake sale?  Don't they just watch a movie or two and call it a day?  Pondering....)

"I Don't Know" does a great job of showing how working mothers don't hand over their mothering duties to someone else as a sacrifice to their jobs -- they just pile all the responsibilities on top and manage.  SJP's character is lying in bed at one point and notes, "Instead of sleeping, I do the list."  She then begins to run through a check list of all of the things she must get done, ending with "Check wiper fluid.  Wait.  Shouldn't that be on his list?  Who am I kidding?  He has no list." 

I am convinced this is the case.  Not that our men don't have their own worries, but they will never get it when it comes to juggling all the things we do as working moms.  I think Mike would agree that if I weren't around, the girls would never see a dentist, get a haircut, bring the permission slip back to school, take napkins for the school party, get fitted for new tap shoes, etc. etc. etc.  It's these little things that make it SO hard. 

Sadly, we can't even blame the men.  We do it to ourselves.  Is anybody going to die if I forget the napkins?  No, but I will guilt myself over it for days.  This is something men just don't do.  The male response would be, "Well, I guess they made do with a roll of paper towels." 

The problem with our gender is four little words uttered by SJP's character -- "Of course I can!"  We have to say it!  If we say no, we're bad mothers and less than perfect professionals!  At least that's what goes through my head in that millisecond before those four little nasty words burst through my lips.

The male movie reviewers clearly don't get it, and I wouldn't really expect them to.  I saw several that criticized the movie for being unrealistic and based on outdated stereotypes.  Oh, how this makes me laugh.  Not in a "hilarious" kind of way, but in a "if you were here I would punch you in the gut" kind of way. 

I can't speak for all professions, but I can tell you about the legal world.  I have been told way too many times (by male attorneys, of course) that the stereotypes about women are outdated and that I should not use being female as an "excuse" for not getting the same recognition as my male counterparts.  Call me stubborn, but this advise is a little hard to take after I have been (1) flirted with by a judge in chambers when opposing counsel didn't show for a hearing, (2) teased by another judge every time I stepped to the podium to argue a motion as the only female attorney on a high-stakes, multi-attorney case, and (3) overlooked for a trip to an important strategy meeting in lieu of a male colleague who had just started working on a case I had been a major player in for over a year.  That time, the male partner who made the decision told me when I confronted him that he "assumed" I would not be able to go because I have kids.  By the way, the male associate also had children.

In my profession, and I suspect in many others, some women try to combat these stereotypes by pretending to be men.  They think, "Maybe if I curse more, pretend those jokes are funny and argue the motion the way he would, I can be part of 'the club.'"  I can't say I haven't done the same at times.  The problem is, it doesn't work and you start forgetting who you are.  SJP learns in the movie that "trying to be a man is a waste of a woman."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

But as "I Don't Know" points out, it's the judgment from some stay-at-home moms that hurts the most, because they are part of your posse and you expect them to be supportive.  It's downright painful to be one of only a handful of moms that has to miss the school party, or to have to ask a friend to take your kids to school because the administration thinks it's a great idea to start school two hours late once a month.  When another mom looks down on you for it, you feel that much more inept. 

By no means are the stereotypes about working mothers a thing of the past.  I have been successful in my career in spite of the assumptions made about me as a working mother, not because they don't exist.  I am a good mother because I know that, despite the fact my life must look like chaos to some of my friends and I lose patience much too quickly because I am ALWAYS in a hurry, I know that the chaos doesn't define me. 

My life, when you cut through all the madness, is so much joy.  In the end, that's all I need.

Exhausted,
Stacy

P.S. THANK YOU to all my mom friends who help me get it all done, without judging me for it!

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